then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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