I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
