i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
