me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Randomize
