dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
