Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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