doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
As shirtless as possible
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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