If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize