he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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