yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
