saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
