we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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