hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
