I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
