My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
