I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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