Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
