I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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