So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You should frame my arrest warrant.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
