May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
