Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
