Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
