i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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