I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
