It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
