I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
