i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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