I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
