Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
