I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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