I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
