How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
