In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
