Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize