I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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