I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
