fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize