planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
