My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
