I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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