Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
