come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
