The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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