I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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