Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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