I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
