Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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