I was born with a shot glass in my hand
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize