before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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