i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
