I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
