I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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