I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Randomize
