Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
