Church boner. Awkwardddd
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
