Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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