then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
