Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
