I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
