every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
