You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Randomize
