if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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