Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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