i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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