the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Randomize
