my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Well I just put wine in my tea
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I smell like Dick and happiness
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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