You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
